[APPLAUSE] – Welcome to “Full Frontal.” I am Samantha Bee. Last night in his State of the Union address, Donald Trump took a break from screaming about immigrants to scream slightly more politely at lawmakers about immigrants. My administration has met extensively with both Democrats and Republicans to craft a bipartisan approach to immigration reform. Checks out. These look like people who’ve been hanging out with Trump lately. And these look like people who are going to cut out early for a screening of “Black Panther.” [CHEERING] It’s not surprising that Trump got nonstop stink faces from the left side of the room. His speech contained very little of the promised bipartisanship. We were also promised that Trump would mention dreamers, and he did, sort of. My duty and the sacred duty of every elected official in this chamber is to defend Americans, to protect their safety, their families, their communities, and their right to the American dream, because Americans are dreamers, too.
Oh my god, what a beautiful, proud, thoughtful way to say that you will only help white people. [LAUGHTER] And Trump’s big speech was a chance for this shy little flower of a president to finally get out there and pat himself on the back a bit. We eliminated an especially cruel tax that fell mostly on Americans making less than $50,000 a year, forcing them to pay tremendous penalties simply because they couldn’t afford government ordered health plans. We repealed the core of the disastrous Opamacare. Oh, that’s a relief. I thought they were cutting Obamacare. No, you can definitely cut Opamacare, the federally mandated all opossum health care plan. [LAUGHTER] My opossum doctor only ever prescribes playing dead. It is awful. [LAUGHTER] Rumor had it this would be an optimistic glass is half full-type speech, and it was, assuming that glass is half full of cyanide, and I get to drink it. [LAUGHTER] Because our president used the State of the Union to roll out his hot 2018 line of chilling policy proposals.
It’s time to begin moving toward a merit based immigration system. Pass legislation to help ensure American foreign assistance dollars always serve American interests. Rebuild our nuclear arsenal, making it so strong and so powerful that it will deter any acts of aggression by any other nation or anyone else. OK, how about this? I’ll pay Stormy Daniels $130,000 to say the president has a big dick and isn’t afraid of sharks, so he doesn’t blow up the world. [LAUGHTER] Of course, the true goal of the evening was to make Republicans stand up and cheer while getting incendiary footage of their opponents refusing to stand when Trump says our amazing veterans should, I don’t know, get to build houses out of immigrant bones? Got you. You didn’t clap for veterans. So you know what? Forget all that. Let’s talk about the actual state of Trump’s America, as of January 2018. This time last year, we were taking cold comfort in the idea that checks and balances would keep Trump in line. Even this guy believed it. The President of the United States, he cannot do anything that he wants to do, because we have a Supreme Court and a Congress that serve as checks and balances.
Shows how much you know, man who opened a dusty trunk, found the cursed mustache of a racist sheriff, put it on, and was turned into a Trump supporter. [LAUGHTER] So where did all that checky balancey stuff go wrong? House of Representatives, you guys going to figure this out? It is our job to conduct oversight on behalf of the American people in case any powers were abused and civil liberties were abused by the executive branch. Yeah. By the executive branch, you’re talking about Trump, right? There may have been malfeasance at the FBI by certain individuals.
So it is our job in conducting transparent oversight of the– of the executive branch to get to the bottom of it. Guh. If there were any justice in this world, Paul Ryan’s chin would be as weak as his morals. [LAUGHTER] So why instead of focusing on the investigation of Trump’s shady Russia dealings is the House investigating the investigators? It’s all about the so-called Nunes memo. House Republicans voting tonight to release a partisan secret memo alleging FBI abuse of surveillance powers against the advice of the Justice Department. Proud top teeth owner Devin Nunes is the chair of the House Intelligence Committee. [LAUGHTER] He wrote a classified memo claiming bias in the FBI that reportedly is so misleading that even Trump’s own Justice Department is begging not to release it. You remember Devin Nunes as the guy who already had to recuse himself from this very investigation for lying to protect the White House, so we should definitely trust him. And Nunes hasn’t even seen all the intelligence he based the memo on.
So this so-called memo of Nunes’ is more like a fun little fan fiction he wrote in his spare time, and that’s not even the good kind of fiction, like the kind I write in my spare time. [LAUGHTER] But House Republicans voted to release it anyway because the internet. All I’ll say is that those who have seen it do seem outraged, are outraged, and are saying hashtag– it’s trending– release the memo. Within the last half hour, there have been over 20,000 tweets on Twitter with the hashtag ReleaseTheMemo.
It shows that the American public is demanding more transparency. OK, well the week before, the top hashtag was SandwichABand, so don’t get too cocky. [LAUGHTER] Plus in this case, the American public may have had some help from Russian bots and trolls. Wow, the Russian interference investigation has itself been interfered by Russians. It’s like a turducken of treason. [LAUGHTER] Tastes bitter, like the ashes of our democracy. You know, it’s disturbing to watch Republicans openly try to shut down this investigation, but should we even be surprised? Last night when Trump roared an actual fascist slogan, they gave him a standing ovation. America first. [APPLAUSE] You know what? I’m going to take the advice of my possum doctor and play dead for the next three years. Catch you in 2021. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING].
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