President Trump’s Bats**t Press Conference: The Daily Show

Let me tell you what happened to us today. We had a really nice show planned for you, very civil, very calm. And then, in the middle of the day, Hurricane Trump happened. Again. President Trump’s first solo press conference. Let’s just say it simply, it was extraordinary. I just want to let you know, I inherited a mess. Drugs are becoming cheaper than candy bars. You know what uranium is, right? This thing called nuclear weapons and other things, like, lots of things are done with uranium, including some bad things.

I love to negotiate things. I do it really well, and all that stuff. Nuclear holocaust would be like no other. The leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake. Other countries have been taking advantage of us for decades, decades and decades and decades, folks. I do get good ratings, you have to admit. The greatest thing I could do is shoot that ship that’s 30 miles offshore right out of the water. Tomorrow, they will say, Donald Trump rants and raves at the press. I’m not ranting and raving. (laughter) (slurring speech): Tomorrow they’ll say, I’m– I was dr– I’m not drunk. You’re all drunk, you’re all drunk. This my mother (bleep) house. -This my mother (bleep) house. -(laughter) Ghouley goo-goo, ghouley goo-goo. And now, I can’t play you the entire press conference. We only have 30 minutes and he spoke for, like, six days. So let’s instead focus on some of the moments where Trump actually completed a thought. Starting with the most important part of his presidency, how much he won.

I put it out before the American people, got 306 electoral college votes. I guess it was the biggest electoral college win since Ronald Reagan. Okay, now, this is not true. In fact, it’s not even complicated. You don’t even need numbers to understand this. All you need to know is the map with the two colors, that’s all you need to know. Trump’s been repeating this lie since election day, and we’ve been waiting so long for him to get called out on it, and finally today it happened.

Oh. Damn! I don’t know who that reporter is, but he just shoved Trump’s face in that like it was a pile of bull (bleep), and he was training a bad dog. Just like, look at what you did. Look at it. Bad Trump! Bad Trump! But how does Trump even think that that’s a valid excuse? That’s the information I was given. That’s the informa– You’re the president. That’s the information you were given? Yo, if you can’t trust your president to get the right information on a Google-able fact, then can you really trust him with the harder stuff? Which, by the way, is everything else the president of the United States has to deal with. Like, we’re talking first page Google, guys.

Not even, like, deep, just first page. First page Google, that’s the answer. Here’s how you know Trump’s battle with the media is getting to him. Toward the end of the press conference, Trump actually started begging for a softball. I want to find a friendly reporter. -You s-say I was… -(clamoring) Are you a friendly reporter? Watch how friendly he is. Wait, wait, watch how friendly he is. Go ahead. Go ahead. Thank you. See, he said he’s gonna ask a very simple, easy question. -And it’s not. It’s not. -It’s an important… Not a-not a simple question, not a fair question. Okay, sit down, I-I understand the rest of your question.

So here’s the story, folks. Uh, number one, I am the least… anti-Semitic person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Number two, racism. The least racist person. In fact, we did very well relative to other people -running as Republican… -(clamoring) Quiet, quiet, quiet… Beyond Trump’s completely botched attempt at reassuring the Jewish community, what’s even more striking in that interaction is that you have a president of a democracy who thinks press is only valid when they ask him easy questions. Questions that he likes. In fact, in his mind, he deserves it. You know? That’s-that’s an easy question. What are you gonna do about Sem… anti-Semitism? We’re going to stamp it out. Done. That’s all you had to say. That was the softest ball possible. A matzo ball, if you will. What a putz..

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